jennaddenda:

dearcoketalk:

I agree with everything you said and in regards to ‘On unburdening yourself’ and understand how monumentally hard on the soul that situation must be but I think it’s also important that OP should also understand that she has a responsibility to make sure that this slimy fuck is not still doing to others what he did to her.

Um, no. She does not have that responsibility. She is the victim. She has no moral obligation to involve herself with her victimizer whatsoever.

If she’s strong enough to grind her way through the justice system, more power to her. Hell, if she hunts down this child molester and shoots him in the dick, I’m not gonna hold it against her.

Still, she doesn’t have to do a damn thing. It’s not on her.

Personally, as a victim I felt a strong sense of responsibility to prevent further harm to other women. It was the only thing that got me through the criminal trial. The thought that if I can put him away, no other girl will ever have to experience what I experienced at my attacker’s hands. And as a bonus, he gets the help he needs to deal with his illness.

So, I have to say that I disagree with you.

There’s been a lot of discussion amongst leaders in the women’s right movement (people like Naomi Wolf and Jaclyn Friedman, for example) about how to end sexual violence against women. (which as feminists, is their focus, but there’s a wider discussion about sexual violence in general.) I do think, truly, that the only way to end sexual violence is for victims to speak out. The shame and fear that has kept them silent has allowed for so many more atrocities to happen. And I think that same silence does a royal screw-job in the head of the victim and allows entry to the “victim mentality” that keeps sufferers in an emotional holding pattern spanning decades and costing a small fortune in pysch bills.

If someone stole your purse, you’d report it. If someone destroys your car you want restitution. Why, why why do victims of sexual violence remain silent?

Believe me, I know firsthand how hard it is. I remember the moment right after it happened and I was free, my decision point, standing in the middle of an icy January field debating to myself; “Do I run to my car, drive home, curl up under the covers and pretend it never happened?” Oh, god. I wanted to do that. I did. But there was another thought. A second thought. The better thought. “There’s a gas station on the corner. They will have a phone. You can call the police. And the police will put him in jail. Where he belongs.”

You cannot ignore your responsibility to bring justice for what has happened to you. It is a way reclaiming your *dignity, your pride. I would have felt responsible if I had been silent and the man who did what he did to me did that to another girl. It’s like finding a body and not calling the cops. You shouldn’t just walk away. Pretend you didn’t see what you saw. The cycle just continues without end. Nobody wins when victims remain silent, nobody.

*Edit: That said, there is not very much dignity in the process. I lucked out in a serious way. It is an emotionally dangerous path with a 50/50 chance working out the way it should. But if you never try I don’t know how you can reclaim your strength.

*Further edit: The responsibility is not just to other women but also to yourself. To stand up and say that what happened was wrong and that you will not allow it to pass silently. To remain silent is to accept the violence that was inflicted on you. That which we accept, we allow. To speak out is to say, “I will not allow it. It is not allowed.”

I love the way this woman writes.

(Source: dearcoquette)